Crossamory

Crossamory (from Latin crux 'cross' and amor 'love') is a relationship orientation; it refers to romantic relationship structures, styles, and dynamics that are characterized by reversals and inversions of traditional heteronormative gender roles within heterosexual relationships. Crossamorous role reversal can be a constituent aspect of various relationship stages from dating and courtship to partnership and/or marriage. In its challenges to "normative assumptions [about] intimacy" and relational gender roles, crossamory constitutes a form of relationship diversity.

Traditional gender roles and heteronormative concepts of masculine and feminine have established circumscribed gendered conventions in romantic relationships; men are expected to be dominant, active initiators and leaders who function as pursuers, providers, protectors, and procreative functionaries in relation to women who, historically, have been expected to be passive and pursued during courtship before becoming submissive mates, caretakers, homemakers, and mothers, but within crossamory and crossamorous relationships, these functions and roles are uncoupled from gender and, to a significant degree (bracketing pregnancy in cishet couples), reversed.

The desired preference for and practice of crossamory, the reversal of gendered relational roles within heterosexual relationships, may be considered a fundamental aspect of personal relational identity and/or a defining characteristic of specific relationships and relational dynamics. Some partnered individuals exchange roles for situational or circumstantial reasons, while others consider crossamorous role reversal an intrinsic part of their personal temperament, relational identity, and relationship orientation, and thus an essential component of their affective, romantic, and/or intimate relationships; these individuals may identify as crossamorous or as crossamorists.

Sociocultural contexts

Although not common, some modern cultures do exist wherein reversals of traditional gender roles are the norm, including the Chinese ethnic group called the Mosuo (known for the practice of walking marriages) wherein women head households and in female societies in Costa Rica, North East India, and New Guinea in which women "take on traditionally male gender roles."

Critical Discourses and Terminology

Critical discourses related to relationship gender roles and role reversals/inversions of the same within heterosexual relationships can be traced back to such early treatises as "The Morality of Marriage, and Other Essays on the Status and Destiny of Women" by Mona Caird (1897), Margaret Fuller's "Woman in the 19th Century"/"The Great Lawsuit," Maud Churton Braby's "Modern Marriage and How to Bear It" (1908), fiction, including "A Love Story Reversed" by Edward Bellamy, and Tolstoy's turn of the 20th century polemic "The Relations of the Sexes," all of which explored socially prescribed relational gender roles and reflected upon the possibilities and pitfalls of role reversal. Hundreds of years before them, Shakespeare created fictional couples in which traditionally masculine and feminine traits were switched (as in Romeo and Juliet) or used crossdressing disguise as a device to comment upon gender roles and social expectations for men and women's behavior, both generally and in relation to one another.

In the 21st century, these discourses continue with many generative discussions taking place online. Conversations related to relationship diversity flourished in digital spaces, reflecting real world relational shifts, as relationship egalitarianism and role reversals in various forms become more common amidst cultural changes and material socioeconomic realities and necessities.

By the 2010s, relationship role reversal centered conversations had evolved into communal spaces on digital platforms, notably Tumblr, esteemed at the time as a "vibrant hub for self expression and diverse communities." By its mid-decade peak, among the users who had "embraced [Tumblr's] affordances to create community-accepted conventions of identity construction" were a number of women in the relationship role reversal community. To self identify and to clearly differentiate themselves and their affective, romantic, and intimate relationships from unrelated roles and dynamics, especially those emerging out of BDSM contexts—crossamory, like relationship anarchy or polyamory and other relational structures or approaches, is a relationship orientation; it is not related to BDSM or kink constructs—in keeping with the "terminological evolution" the platform fostered, they began using the terms "crossamorous" and "crossamorist" to describe themselves, both there and in other online spaces. By 2020, "crossamory" (not to be confused with crossarmory) had emerged from these conversations as a relational concept and/or identity that could include, should they choose to use the nomenclature, anyone who desires or practices relationship role reversal.

Related Concept: Cross-Sexuality

Within the context of experiences and expressions of sexual desire or erotic orientation, the term "Crossamory" has sometimes been conflated with and used interchangeably with Cross-sexuality, (earlier locution: x'sexuality), a related term/concept that might more accurately fall under the umbrella of crossamory, as a form of role reversal within heterosexual relationships, specifically the inversion of insertive and receptive roles during sexual intimacy. In a 2003 Village Voice column, sex educator Tristan Taormino wrote of reversals or inversions of straight sex roles, "the roles of active initiator and penetrator are no longer solely the domain of men nor are the qualities of receptivity and passivity for [women] only."

Beyond the sexual practices and behavior that Taormino notes, cross-sexuality can be considered a sexual identity, recognizing and affirming the existence and experiences (which sociologists point out may otherwise be deemed "culturally unintelligible") of sexually receptive straight men and cishet women with active, giving sex drives or erotic orientations. Given its noncompliance with and reversal of heteronormative gendered relational roles within heterosexual relationships, cross-sexuality may be considered crossamorous (a diacritical asterisk is sometimes affixed to declensions of crossamory—i.e. crossamorous* or crossamorist*--to signify cross-sexuality). Cross-sexuality is not a sexual orientation nor a queer identity, and, thus, it is not related to cross-orientation or matters of gender expression. It has no relation to cross-dressing, kink or matters pertaining to paraphilia. Cross-sexuality should not be confused with the concept of cross-sex friendship; the latter is platonic in nature while interpersonal relationships that are cross-sexual (not "cross-sex," a term related to ecological sciences rather than human sexuality) are potentially romantic and certainly sexually intimate in nature.

As forms of cross-sexual intimacy (such as strap-on centered sexual intimacy within a heterosexual relationship) are expressions of straight sexuality that do not comply with heteronormative sex roles and sexual behavior, emergent discourses related to both "new heterosexualities" and sexual minorities may inform conversations related to cross-sexuality. When considered an expression of crossamory, cross-sexuality may be situated under the umbrella of Gender, Sexual, and Relationship Diversity (GSRD).